


All These Things That I've Done

by hauntedlittledoll



Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Amazing Spider-Man (Movies - Webb), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-08
Updated: 2014-03-08
Packaged: 2018-01-15 01:08:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1285552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hauntedlittledoll/pseuds/hauntedlittledoll
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Title taken from The Killer's song of the same name to reflect a collection of otherwise unrelated Marvel Movie Universe prompts and drabbles spanning the series, devolving into alternate universes, future fic, past fic, pop culture references and more.</p><p>Miscellaneous ratings and warnings apply--no explicit material contained herewithin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mascot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written for tarrinatopaz - "Avengers. accidental-baby-acquisition"

"It could be a mascot," Clint suggested.  As the least-likely Avenger to accidentally crush, smash, drop, or electrocute the small child, he had become the baby’s designated ‘handler.’

By the time Pepper was through with him, this entailed modeling a charming baby sling and cross-strap diaper bag (in understated greys and a strangely fashionable purple) that in no way impeded his ability to shoot things.

Unfortunately, it curtailed his ability to jump off of things quite a bit.

Thus, Coulson had swiftly become a fan of the “Keep the Baby” camp.  Said-camp also included Thor and the Hulk.

Bruce, Natasha, Cap, and astonishingly enough, Tony were all of the responsible “find a loving home” mindset.

"Who doesn’t love the tower?" Clint argued, and let Thor take up the argument from there.

In the week that they had found themselves responsible for the alien baby, Clint had fallen hard for the abandoned little scamp.  Returning it to the evil overlord wasn’t an option, the parents were unfortunately deceased victims of the plot, and foster services was somewhat wary of a child with almost feline facial features and no paper trail whatsoever.

Clint couldn’t let the kid become an oddity for people to stare at.  He knew how it felt.  They all did.

So he worked out an agreement with JARVIS and Fury.  With Coulson’s recruitment, such was an alliance against which even the Avengers could not stand …

… it would be nice to convince them of their own free will though.

"Barton, my fine feathered friend," Tony managed to break through Thor’s ode to the Tower.  It looked kind of painful; Tony’s ego could probably stand to hear more about the brilliance of his toaster and the automatic mood lighting.  "Barton, the kid is _blue_.  He’s going to have enough to deal with on the playground without having sole son and heir of the collective Avengers tagged on too.”

"He doesn’t have to be the _only_ … I mean, the Hulk saved an entire orphanage just last month.  I thought the big guy was going to cry when bedtime rolled around.”

"Stop right there," Steve warned.  "We are not taking in any more children."

"We are not taking in  _any_ children,” Tony corrected.  “Blue is cute.  No one’s arguing that, Barton.  But we live in a tower of super-powered geniuses in the middle of a city that regularly attracts inter-galactic invasions.”

"We stop inter-galactic invasions.  It’s a perfect fit," Clint argued.  "Natasha.  Nat, come on.  You know what will happen if we give the baby to SHIELD.  They’ll give it to Logan.  Or _Reed_.”

Tony and Bruce blanched simultaneously.

Natasha simply eyed Barton with bland indifference and gave the tiniest nod to his blatant manipulation of their teammates.

"Mascot," she issued crisply after a long moment of consideration.

"Done."


	2. Internet Memes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written for Anonymous - "Avengers and surrounding Marvel fandoms. pretending to be married"

"This is never, ever, ever going to work," Peter insisted in a disturbingly high-pitched whisper.

Natasha squeezed his hand in a move that only looked comforting.  Peter could no longer feel his fingers.  “Are you saying that I look old, Peter?”

"No!" he refuted in a strangled voice that somehow didn’t carry.  Natasha patted his cheek fondly for the effort.  Peter tried not to check if any of his teeth were missing.  "Just that I’m … and you’re … way out of my league?" he finished hopefully.  "Nobody would believe …"

"They’ll believe what I tell them to believe."  The Black Widow gave a tiny, sincere smile.  She could probably kill Peter six times before their host crossed the room.  "Whatever happened to the mindset that the intelligent will come out ahead after high school?  The whole "geeks get the girls" mentality?" she urged him forward, derision and annoyance lacing the not-all-that-comforting phrase.

"Pretty sure the world doesn’t work according to wishful thinking and internet memes," Peter returned faintly.

"It does for an Avenger," she allowed.  "Congratulations on your graduation, Spider _man.”_


End file.
